LAST week, my iPhone camera needed fixing. To diagnose the problem the Apple employee had to go into my photo gallery. Snatching the phone back to make important deletions first, I asked: ‘Does everyone have stuff to hide on their phones?’
‘Like nudes?’ came the reply. ‘Oh my God. Every phone that comes in, and I mean every one — old, young, men, women — everyone has them now.’
Nudes are being taken every second of the day and I should know because, well, I’m taking a fair few myself.
I remember the first time I ever heard the word ‘nudes’ about two years ago. It sounded so cheap — definitely not something I, a mother of one who shops in Waitrose, would ever do. But then a friend of mine showed me one of hers. It looked so pretty, so sexy. I went home and recreated it immediately.
Rarely do I include a nipple. It’s basically what on America’s Next Top Model they call implied nudity
Unless you are an octopus or have your own personal photographer when it comes to taking pictures of yourself in your smalls, or whatever else might tickle your fancy, mirrors are your friend. A reflection promises the best frame of reference for clarity and composition. Basically, you can see everything more easily.
From the first moment, I was obsessed. Incidentally, it’s not like I’m circulating them to all and sundry — sometimes I just keep them for myself. And this is not an invitation to send me a load of d*** pics. Sorry, guys, but some things will just never look pretty and one of those in isolation just doesn’t work. (As an aside, stop grabbing on to them, it just makes them look angry.)
As anyone who’s ever taken a decent one will contest, a good nude can be damn empowering. If anyone disagrees, they’ve obviously got the wrong angle. Don’t worry — there’s an app for those people.
It’s your own version of FHM, where all bodies, colours, shapes and sizes are delicious and represented and accompanied with the fire emoji. For me, taking nudes was part of finding my sexual confidence and it provides personal body positivity, which has definitely led to greater self-acceptance.
Obviously we aren’t lunatics — we know and play by the rules. As any good nude snapper worth their weight in Anna Richardson BBC3 revenge porn documentaries will know, never include your face.
Rarely do I include a nipple, either. It’s basically what on America’s Next Top Model they call implied nudity. If you ask me, that’s the prettiest kind anyway.
I love my body enough that I want to celebrate it and show it off without ever feeling pressured into doing so — and broadcast it to a limited audience of me and my boyfriend, of course. Adult women and men have a right to feel sexy and enjoy a healthy relationship with their own body.
You know people throughout history would have absolutely got in on the game if only they’d had access to a smartphone and the right filter. Sharing your nudes with others — or even just yourself — is hugely liberating.
Amy’s five tips for minxy nudes
Lighting is key
Too bright is too harsh but too dark and, well, what’s the point? What you want is a nice, warmly lit pic. A bedroom lamp placed at the level of your photo will always be super flattering. Even better, use natural light. It sounds scary but morning light is your friend. Get in front of a light-drenched window and wonderful things will happen.
Use video mode
Whack your phone on video mode, try out all your angles and later you can review it all and pick out the best screen grabs. Just move slowly so you have time to get the best grabs. Excellent for the more time-rich nudie snapper.
It sounds obvious but the most perfectly composed sexy pic can turn into an instant LOL as soon as someone spots that huge pile of washing lurking in the background. If you’re in the bathroom try to avoid including the toilet — there’s nothing sexy about a toilet.
Even better, get a mate to send you their best pics. Think of it as a friendly nudie swap shop. Your brain can only think of so many poses so combining creative minds can only make for a better end result.
Turn off your iCloud
Beware of the cyberspace wilderness that is the ‘cloud’, which basically no one understands. Two words — 4chan and JLaw. Just switch the damn thing off.
Follow Amy on Instagram @solo.mamma